Okay so I don’t have much choice… next month (or earlier) I’m going to become a mother. I’m going to give birth and bring two lives in to the world and that qualifies me to be a mum… nobody would dispute that. But further than biologically I am not too sure what motherhood is going to mean for me.
Don’t get me wrong, I want my babies! I’ve previously written in the past about my struggle to accept being pregnant but now I am so excited to meet these girls. I’ve washed all their clothes, I’ve organised their nursery and picked out their names. I’ve imagined cuddling them, feeding them, smelling their gorgeous baby smell and I’ve even recently started to have dreams about giving birth to them!
So what is it then? I want the babies so how come I don’t want to be a mum? It’s this word “mum” that I struggle with… and all the connotations that word brings. The thought of defining myself solely by being a mum really scares me… as someone who has always wanted a career and a busy life… being a stay at home mum feels a bit scary to me. I’m so nervous of losing myself… becoming a mum and having my identity totally in that. I don’t want to lose interest in all the things I’m interested in now… I don’t want to give up pinning outfit ideas on pinterest and start pinning potty training advice! I want to be me, with children. I want to still care about make up and fashion and not constantly wear oversized t shirts and scrape my hair back in to a bun every day.
I guess being pregnant has changed me so much… it’s caused me to lose or at least put on hold a lot of the things I enjoy. I can’t wear any of my old clothes… I can’t go out running … I can’t drink cocktails or get out of the house as much and I guess that’s made me sensitive and wary about what lies ahead.
But I can take heart in the fact that my identity lies solely in Christ. I find myself in him before I find myself in my clothes or my interests or even my husband and children. That’s never going to change, whatever the future brings.
As for being a mum… I’m going to have to make my peace with it. Some days will be spent in baggy clothes with no make up, focused solely on my babies. It’s inevitable. But I’m still going to be me… just a new version of me I guess!